


To Feel Alive Again

by Fenchurch87



Series: Tales of Kirkwall (and Beyond) [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Canon Divergent Hawke Family, Flashbacks, Multi, Nightmares, Sibling Rivalry, Siblings, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 12:01:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18141926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fenchurch87/pseuds/Fenchurch87
Summary: Leif Hawke tries to escape his inner demons, just for a little while. Originally written in response to a writing prompt on /r/dragonage.





	To Feel Alive Again

**Author's Note:**

> Leif, Ingrid and Erik Hawke are cousins of my canon Hawke, Marian. Their father is Malcolm's non-mage twin brother, Magnus.

_Twisted creatures... tainted flesh... black blood on the grass... running... always running..._

“Leif?” A hand rests on his shoulder, lightly shaking him awake, and he can't resist entwining the fingers in his own, desperate to hold on to this piece of life, to forget the death that haunts his dreams.

His companion laughs briefly and gently pulls his hand away. “It is almost time,” he says.

Of course. This bed is far larger, and these sheets are far softer than the ones in the hovel in Lowtown. He forces his eyes open and sits up.

Jethann lounges in the chair by the bed, already dressed and clearly waiting for him to leave. He quickly pulls on his own clothes, and then retrieves his daggers from the rack on the wall. He fastens them in place, one on either side of his belt, before moving to stand awkwardly in the middle of the room.

“Well, I– Uh–” Shit. How do people end these encounters? “Thank you,” he says lamely.

“The pleasure was all mine,” Jethann replies smoothly.

He chuckles at that. “I bet you say that to everyone.”

Jethann smiles coquettishly as he walks him to the door. “Come and see me again some time,” he says with a wink.

Leif walks slowly down the hall. His daggers sit heavily on his waist, a harsh reminder of the horror he had been trying to escape. He pauses at the top of the stairs and looks down into the lounge, as two familiar voices cut through the hum of conversation.

“So this is what you do with your hard earned coin.” Erik glances scornfully around the room, his nose wrinkling in distaste.

Ingrid crosses her arms. “If you want a say in how the coin is spent, maybe you should start contributing to it.”

“I could have started contributing to it already if you'd let me join up like I wanted,” Erik shoots back.

“That was Leif's decision,” Ingrid counters. “And Father's. Not mine. I would have let you join if it was up to me. It's about time you started pulling your weight–”

“Enough!” Two pairs of startlingly blue eyes turn to stare at Leif as he hurries down the stairs. He stops on the bottom step, taking advantage of this rare chance to look down on his two younger siblings. “Ingrid, why don't you go back to whatever – or whoever – you were doing? Erik, come with me.” He takes hold of his brother's arm and pulls him into a quiet corner, while Ingrid disappears into the crowd.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. “It's too dangerous for you to leave the house alone, you know that.”

Erik stares back at him defiantly. “I can defend myself perfectly well, Leif. Better than most people in this city, I would say.”

“That's not the point,” Leif hisses. “And you need to be careful saying things like that. You never know who might be listening.” He quickly scans the room for Templars before continuing. “Anyway, you didn't answer my question. What are you doing here?”

Erik shrugs irritably. “I was looking for you. Do you have any idea how boring it is being trapped inside all day, while you and Ingrid get to see the world? It's driving me crazy. I just want to help. Maybe Meeran could use someone with my... skills. And Marian said the smugglers protect her secret. Why wouldn't the Red Iron do the same for me?”

Leif thinks for a moment. Meeran had been making enquiries, discreetly of course. But Erik? He shakes his head. “You're too young to get involved in this. What Ingrid and I have to do... We kill people for coin, Erik. We've seen things that nobody should ever have to see, least of all you.”

“I am no stranger to death. I was there when Uncle Malcolm died. I saw the bodies when we fled Lothering. I killed my fair share of darkspawn too.” Erik pauses and runs a hand through his red hair. “Look, I know you're just trying to keep me safe. But you can't protect me from the world forever. And at least you and Ingrid will be there to keep me out of trouble.”

Leif sees the stubborn set of his brother's jaw and realises that this is an argument he cannot win. “Very well,” he sighs. “I'll speak to Father tomorrow. If he agrees, I'll take you to meet Meeran.”

“Thanks, brother.” Erik smiles slightly, but his expression soon changes to disgust as Ingrid sways past, arm in arm with a nobleman from Hightown on one side and a woman in a see through nightgown on the other. “I wasn't surprised to find her in a place like this,” he mutters. “But you– I never thought you would– Why did you come here, Leif?”

_Bones crunching... limbs tearing... anguished screams... fresh blood dripping from his blade... Jethann's hands on his skin... soft, warm, living..._

“I just want to feel alive again,” he whispers. “Just for a little while.”

 


End file.
